BREAKING: Cowboys Projected to Win Just 2 Games by Rogue AI — Jerry Jones Declares ‘War on the Algorithm
BREAKING: Cowboys Projected to Win Just 2 Games by Rogue AI — Jerry Jones Declares ‘War on the Algorithm
DALLAS, TX — June 30, 2025
In what experts are calling “the biggest statistical insult in NFL history,” a rogue AI model employed by a major Las Vegas sportsbook has projected the Dallas Cowboys to finish the 2025 season with just 2 wins—prompting team owner Jerry Jones to issue a “full-spectrum offensive” on machine learning.
> “This ain’t ‘iRobot,’ this is my team,” Jones said in a hastily arranged press conference from his yacht, The Ego Naut. “We’re not letting some algorithm with a name like GPT-BetaZero decide our fate. We’ve got George Pickens, a lean Dak, and the ghost of Tom Landry watching over us. We’ll win 12, maybe 14.”
The AI’s projection was based on “anomalies” in offensive line durability, Micah Parsons’ potential overuse, and what it described as the “existential despair of Cowboys fans.” It even cited the team’s astrology chart, which shows “Mercury retrograde in the house of interceptions” during Week 4 vs. Philadelphia.
Cowboys fans responded with outrage, launching a viral campaign: #NotMyProjection. Meanwhile, fans of NFC East rivals delighted in the forecast. A banner flew over AT&T Stadium this morning reading:
> “2-15? Try 0-17, Y’all Still Dem Boys – Love, Philly.”
Micah Parsons took to X (formerly Twitter), tweeting cryptically:
> “I welcome the darkness. But the darkness ain’t ready for me.”
In response to the projection, Cowboys brass have secretly hired former NASA engineers to “reverse-engineer the predictive model” and replace it with a custom in-house version powered by barbecue sauce, Emmitt Smith highlights, and a 1995 Super Bowl DVD on loop.
Vegas has since retracted the projection and blamed a “data ingestion error involving Tony Romo’s playoff stats.” Still, sportsbook oddsmakers admit the projection “felt right, in a cosmic way.”
Cowboys open training camp July 21. AI researchers have been banned from Oxnard.